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Hello!
So I've been a bit AWOL for the last week, for several reasons but the main one is that I started off attempting to eat normally for a few days. I restricted Tues, Wed and Thurs and then decided I wanted to try and eat more normally on Friday. The plan was to eat three meals and not binge...well I ate three meals, felt OK at the time, started stressing out and then ended up binging that night.
That led to a follow up binge the next day *sigh* followed by laxatives that night. Then got back on track on Sunday, got to 7 pm or so having done over 1000 cals in exercise and NO food, only to be convinced by my sister to go with her to dinner, and it was all downhill from there and cue binge again.
So I've decided I obviously can't eat normally, even just every now and then. It WILL lead to a binge which just makes everything worse in the end. So today back to normal, restricted not too heavily since I mostly just wanted to avoid a binge.
Ended up working off around 600 and ate just over 400, leaving my net cals around -160 or so. Which is quite high, for me, and it does leave me a little anxious, but it's better than a binge.






















I've decided to hold off on straight fasting until I get myself under control again, so for the next week or so I am going to do one day restriction (under 500, hopefully closer to 300), followed by one liquid fast day, then back to restriction and so forth. This should help me keep the binging away until I am more settled into it again, then I'll go for another 5 day fast.
Another thing I'm trying this week is cold showers. See: http://www.livestrong.com/article/154168-how-to-lose-weight-with-cold-showers/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Referral&utm_term=how-to-lose-weight-with-cold-showers&utm_content=Article&utm_campaign=SGL-April-2014#page=1
Which is basically an article that raises the theory that cold showers can stimulate special 'brown fat' that increases your metabolism. No idea if it's true or not but going to give it a go anyway!!


Thinspo for tonight - Natalie Portman. Because who doesn't envy the shit out of her in Black Swan.






















I LOVE this photo, it is just gorgeous. She is such a beautiful, stunning woman. The obvious one for me in this is her chest, lovely sternum bones, beautiful shoulders. Long slender arms, love it. And her face is stunning too.

This one is for those beautiful collar bones and shoulders, perfect. And her thin arms, she also has a strangely long neck which makes her look very elegant.

And lastly, this one is just perfection. Her legs are just gorgeous, her whole body in this is so thin and streamlined. Thin arms, thin frame thin everything. Love.


Anyway that's it for today, will update in a few days!
Mayli x

Bleh

Having a really crappy few days, so this one is just a rant to get it all off my chest.
I am SO SICK of my life right now. I honestly feel like I could happily stop existing and it would be preferable to how I am living every day.
It is a really hard thing to try and explain, especially to people who have never experienced it, but I will try anyway. It's like a constant, and I mean CONSTANT, guilty feeling following me around from day to day. I don't remember the last time I actually ate three normal meals in a day, that equaled a normal calorie amount. I actually cannot recall the last time I did this, though I assume it would have been very early some time this year as that is when things got really bad for me. I don't even remember what it is like to wake up and not have my first thought be about what I'm allowed or not allowed to eat today, if I'm eating at all. I don't remember how it feels to just go to lunch with someone and order whatever I like and not worry about it. I don't remember what it feels like to eat chocolate and not feel like I need to punish myself afterwards. I don't remember what it is like to eat a small amount of junk food and not have it lead to an all day binge, after which I actually feel suicidal.
I WISH I didn't live like this. I would give anything to go back to whatever point it was that this all started and reverse it. I would love to be overweight if it meant I was happy and carefree and enjoying my life like a twenty-one year old should be. Instead I'm lying here feeling guilty as all fuck because I binged today, a ruined 48 hours of fasting. I feel like I want to die, because I gave in and ate food and didn't make to to 100 hours like I planned. I hate this, I really do. It really is an endless cycle. Binge, feel horrible about binging, sometimes purge (but not always, because I can't even do THAT right), start fasting. Eventually after a few days, end up binging again. Feel horrible again, fast again. Restrict a few days after a successful fast, then end up ruining it all and binging again. This is every single day of my life, there is no break, no rest from it, just binge or fast or restrict. I'm doomed to fail eventually, and all the little failures just start adding up until it gets to the point I am at now where I am seriously contemplating how much longer I can go on like this.

I have given up everything else in my life, I quit my job, quit uni, basically quit my friends, only have two or three left who I see only occasionally. I would quit my family if I could but living with them makes that hard. I'm considering even quitting the horses, which I never thought I would say. An ideal existence for me right now would be to live alone and starve in peace, with no food in the house and no money to buy food. To just be alone and able to starve to death with no distractions and no people and no FOOD.  That's the best life I can think of for myself right now.

I am really stating to wish I had someone to talk to in real life, I have never been closer to actually telling someone. None of my friends or family know how bad it really is for me, they think I just diet during the week and then have junk days sometimes on the weekends, I don't think they realize it goes much deeper then that. So I do sort of want to maybe tell my sister or maybe a friend, but a few things stop me. Firstly I would have no idea how to tell them or how to bring it up, it's hard enough to put it into words on a blog and I have never been good at actual conversations. Secondly I really worry that I won't be taken seriously. I know if I told my mother she would not take it seriously and would think I'm either doing it for attention or that I was exaggerating, or being a hypochondriac. So I will never tell her. I don't know if my sister would react the same way but I worry that she will. I really don't know what to do anymore but I feel like I am drowning, and I don't think I can do this much longer. Something needs to change I am honestly deathly scared that this is what the rest of my life is going to be like - if that's the case then I really would rather just die now because I don't want to live like this forever.

What is the solution? I don't think I can change, even after all that and after everything I just wrote and feel I still really just want to be thin. It's all I want, and at times like this I want it more then ever. If I was thin I think I could handle feeling like this, because at least I won't be fat. Maybe once I get thin I won't feel like this anymore and I will be happy. Please please let that be the case. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep because I'm so guilty over what I've eaten today, or because I'm so worried that this is what my life will be like every single day for my entire future, or because I'm so lonely because I've pushed everyone away.

I'm a bit stuck in between the two things at the moment. On the one hand I really want all this to end and for me to be normal. But on the other hand, the heavier hand, I just want to be thin.

At the moment it seems like I'm weighed down by a lot more then just bowlines, and I somehow doubt I am ever going to explore, dream or discover anything. But I hope one day I can look back and say Thank God I changed it all then, because I sure as hell don't want to get to 40 and be thinking why didn't I just do something about it twenty years ago?

I just wish I could be normal and still be thin. I'm not ready to be fat again.

Hello again!
I've had a pretty normal few days, yesterday I ended up around 700 cals of exercise and ate 300 cals, leaving me around -400 for the day.
Today was very similar, then tonight I had binge urges *sigh* but thankfully I went for a run instead and that made it pass. I have family functions tomorrow night and Sunday so they are just gonna end up binges by the looks of it, not much I can do about it unfortunately :( But I will compensate with Laxies on Sunday night and then start a fast again after Sunday.
Picked up an extra 250 cals on my run, so that puts me at 800 exercise and 350 food, leaving me at -450 net for the day. Pretty happy with my run, I found my fitness has increased since the last time I ran a little while ago - I am not a big runner, I have major hip problems that make running frequently hard so I never run regularly. I am happy with my times for tonight though, for me it was pretty good definitely my best!

Here's my workout rundown, ended up nearly 4km over 30 mins, with an average pace of 7:59/km or 7.5kph which I'm pretty proud of! Definitely a personal best.

And nooow, took some pics after my run and decided I will post them. I still have a lot to work on but I am slowly seeing some changes recently especially after my fast. I am a very stockily built person genetically which sucks, but it means that even though my BMI is close to being underweight I still have this broad shouldered, solid look. Which SUCKS. But whatever Ugh.

Like I said, a lot to work on but I am slowly getting somewhere. The only problem with doing as much exercise as I generally do is you start to look toned which I hate, but I guess that's better then being outright fat.
Today's thinspo is going to be gym gear / fitspo, because I want to compare to my own gym gear photos and motivate myself. Strictly they are not as thin as then thinspo I usually like but that's not the point tonight, I want to look at attainable goals that are close to where I am :) *Please note I don't know who these people are for these photos*

That's it for today not really in the mood to write too much, will post again after I am back fasting :)

Fast Finished!

Well I've done it, I made it to 115 hours! Yay!
Feeling pretty fricken amazing right now to be honest. I'll do a quick overview of the fast before I move on today. So started at 10 PM Friday 22nd August, Brisbane time, and went to 5 pm Wednesday the 27th. Only thing I allowed was water, Powerade zero and coke zero (though I didn't end up drinking any coke zero). I was pretty strict this time and didn't really break, although there were two 'instances'. The first was on day three near midnight, someone left a really soft delicious cheese and bacon roll on the counter that I wanted to try. Chewed two mouthfuls and then spat out without swallowing any, very minimal if any cals would have come from that. Second was this morning (day 5) someone asked me to try a chocolate for them, so I had a very small bite (had to swallow, in company). Again probably very minimal cals. In terms of how I feel, I'm pretty fine now. All in all it was an easy fast.

Day One: Was a little hungry mentally since the day before was a binge day, I was still in the I want Food mindset. That passed sometime that night. Didn't exercise much that day and finished up at -100 net cals after my Powerade zero.

Day Two: Was super easy, no hunger, the mental hunger had passed by now. I found exercise really easy and honestly didn't even notice I was fasting half the time. Finished up -610 net cals after my Powerade zero.

Day Three:  Another really easy day, exercise was pretty normal and didn't exhaust me too much though I didn't do as much, finished up at -450 cals after my PZero. This was the night I chew/spat two mouthfuls.

Day four: Started off fine, but REALLY felt the drain by the afternoon. Exercise was a real struggle and I almost didn't make it through my job that afternoon, first feeling of actual physical hunger hit me that night and lasted for an hour or two, then passed. Finished up at -600 cals after PZero.

Day five: Feeling great again, hunger has passed, not feeling weak at all though no major exercise today. Don't think I would cope with strenuous exercise though. Ended fast at 5pm and went on to eat 300 cals.

In total I lost 8.8 pounds on the 5 day fast, which I am pretty happy with. I noticed some changes in my body this week, mainly collarbones and sternum showing a little more, definitely a decent reduction in my thighs, arms are a bit slimmer, stomach is definitely flatter and more toned. So I consider it all a big success!

Now the original plan was to eat 500 cals tonight and then fast again for 115 hours, but I have decided this isn't going to be realistic when I'm forced to do 400-600 cals of exercise every day at work. Days 1-3 were fine but I really struggled after that and think it is effecting my performance too much past 3 days. I will try the 115 hour cycle another time when I have time off, for now I am just going to eat 300 cal tonight and then fast 2 or 3 days, then eat another 300 cal. Or I might just go back to heavy restricting under 400 cals for the next few days, haven't decided yet.

I went shopping today and thought I would post a photo, this is probably a week or maybe a week and a half's worth of food for me, if I don't fast and eat every day. Found some great new things to try this time so pretty excited!

So we have here my savior, powerade zero, found some nice rye wraps at 69 cals each, corn thins, my amazing couldn't-live-without healtheries roast chicken flavour popped chips (LOVE LOVE), my light cruskits, and then my two new finds sugar free ovaltine and sugar free jelly. Can't wait to taste them!!

I'm back, aaaand they were great! The sugar free jelly is a HUGE hit I love it, satisfies that sweet craving and only 7 calories per serve! Hell yeah! The sugar free ovaltine is also pretty good, I had one teaspoon with 50 ml of almond milk and it was like a normal (but very small - only a few mouthfuls since I didn't want any more almond milk going in) chocolate milkshake! Only 5 cals in three teaspoons of ovaltine, plus about 10 cals in the almond milk. The corn thins are also pretty great, and at 27 cals each they are a great snack. Also can't speak highly enough of the rye wraps, I had one with plain chicken and it was really tasty, and only 69 calories for a decent sized wrap! People ask how I manage to eat a day's worth of food for 300 cals, well this is how!

The wrap plus the 80 cals from the chicken, plus the above mentioned snacks and also a serve of the healtheries chips pictured at 80 cals and a powerade zero, brings me to a total of 278 cals, for a decent meal, desert, and two separate snack times. Pretty happy with that!

Now on to today's thinspo; in the spirit of, I'm currently rewatching all the seasons of Grey's Anatomy (just got through the episode where Denny died, noooo!) it has majorly triggered me, Meredith and Christina especially with their amazingly thin bodies. So today will be Ellen Pompeo (Meredith's actor).

Firstly I LOVE this dress on her, very cute but chic. First photo legs and arms are just, wow, so thin and perfect. Shoulders are gorgeous too. Second photo what jumps out is those shoulder blades, and beautiful thin arms. Her arms are the arms I would choose to have out of any of my thinspo collection! She has a great back, very delicate and refined.

I love both these shots for her collar bones, and of course those arms make another appearance in the second shot. So beautiful, I can see why she had all the hot doctors (and vets!) falling over themselves for her!


Well that's it for today, hope my info was useful!

Mayli xx

Hello!!
So feeling pretty awesome today! Right now I am 67 hours in to a hopefully 115 hour fast and feeling awesome. I am not hungry at all, I was a little bit mentally hungry and craving food yesterday but that has completely passed today. I entered ketosis today so hopefully it will get that fat moving! *Thighs please!*
I have lost almost 3 kilos since the start of the fast (6.5 pounds) which is definitely part of why I am feeling so amaaaaazing! Plus a little bit of fasting euphoria I'm sure. I am actually planning to try something for the first time this week, a fasting cycle. So basically I will fast for 115 hours, then have a 5 hour period in which I can eat 500 calories, then back to fasting for 115 hours, then another 5 hours to eat 500 calories, and so on.
I would LOVE to keep this up for 4 weeks, but will see how I go I am not sure it is actually a realistic goal (for me) just yet. So basically since I started this fast at 10 pm on Friday Brisbane time, my 115 hours will be up at 5 pm wednesday. Then I have until 10 pm wednesday to eat 500 cals, then the fast starts again at 10 pm and goes for another 115 hours until monday 5-10 pm, when I eat 500 cals again and so on. So should be relatively doable, I think anyway. By the way fasting for me includes only water, powerade zero (10 cals) and coke zero (2 cals). But a maximum of two of the zeros a day, so either one Pzero and one Czero, or two of each.
Still planning on riding throughout, though will try to limit it to one ride a day on the last two days of each fast cycle where possible. Very excited about this it feels like I am finally going to reach my goals!

Today, and yesterday's MFP logs, again really boring but hey it is damn satisfying to look at for me right now!

And now to thinspo for today, for today I decided on 'Tuula'. She is a (gorgeous!) travel and fashion blogger/model.

These are both for (yep you guessed it!) her legs. She has such long beautiful legs I am so envious! Her arms are also perfect in these shots too. Love the sternum and chest in the first one as well.

And this one, just everything. Her lovely long legs again, beautiful thin arms, flat but defined stomach. I love the slight hip bones, slim shoulders, everything!



That's it for today! Next one will be after I finish my fast on Wednesday.
Mayli xx

Haven't had a great few days :( Major binge yesterday, didn't count but many thousands of cals. Luckily I have picked up some kind of flu and spent the whole night vomiting, so no gain from the binge thank God.
I'm now fasting, aiming for 100 hours but will see how I go. Liquids only, so water, powerade zero and coke zero is all I can have. Currently 26 hours in and feeling fine, first day is always the hardest for me so I should be okay from now.

Today's MFP, obviously a bit of a boring one. Spent the whole day in bed not feeling great, luckily it was a rainy day so I didn't have to ride. No exercise, but no food either so considering it a win.
Not feeling like writing too much at the moment, everything is kind of all over the place. I am having a really hard time at the moment just feeling crappy about everything.
I'll move straight on to my thinspo for tonight - Vlada Rosylakova. She needs no introduction I'm sure, she is an amazing model and well known for her small frame.

These two, because of her arms. Ahhhh those arms, they are perfection. That is exactly how I would like my arms to be. She is just so gorgeous, some might say too skinny....nope, for me, just perfect.

And these, for her legs. Wow. She has the longest, slimmest most perfect legs on the plant. I also love her arms again in the first one, and her shoulders. She is a seriously beautiful woman! Jealousy level 9999999 right now.


Anyway, signing off for now. Will be back with an update on my fast in 24 hours :)

Alright day one of my blog. Whew. Well today was pretty uneventful, worked three horses and took the dogs to the dog park, that's it!

Today's MFP log:

















Which broken down is basically my horse riding cals plus a 30 minute walk cals (I was conservative today with my estimates so probably burned off a little more then what I put in) nothing to eat until 6 pm, at 6 pm approx 80 grams of plain chicken breast, washed down with a Powerade Zero (best invention on the planet) then my usual portion of Healtheries air popped potato bites roast chicken flavour (second best invention on the planet) exactly 23 of them.

I did later around 9 pm have a handful of baking choc chips (my fat ass saw them in the back of the cupboard and couldn't resist) after I had already screenshotted, which adds around 80 cals. Feeling pretty shitty about that to be honest but trying not to think about it.

All in all satisfied with today though could have been better, obviously.

My watch broke today which is driving me crazy. I am crazy anal about time, I like to be on time and hate being late, and I also kind of schedule times for everything in my life. Like I will have a time scheduled for when I do little things around the house, what time I wake up, leave, come home, etc it all has to be planned and it really stresses me out when things don't go quite to my time plans, so having my watch broken is REALLY upsetting. Hoping to get it fixed tomorrow but for now just obsessively checking my phone time *sigh*.

Bad mood for no real reason today (well, okay so the watch was probably part of it, plus I forked out basically all my money on feed and agistment today) and felt really impatient and snappy. What else is new! Going to try and chill out tomorrow and be a bit happier.

I've decided on some of my posts I am going to post some pictures and discuss anything that comes to mind about them, kind fo like therapy I guess it just makes me feel better. Anyway, going to start today with a real idol of mine, Alexandra "Sasha" Markina - a Russian model who is the absolute epitome of perfection (to me anyway). I would give absolutely anything in the world to look even half as good as this amazing human being. She is my biggest thinspo ever.

Ugh there are so many pictures I could post of her that are just PERF, but I will try to pick my favourites.

Okay this set first because firstly, THIGH GAP. Helllooooo amazing thigh gap. If my legs were ever to even get close to that I would die happy. Both pics to me just really scream at me for the the thigh gap, I also love the very thin upper arms in the first one and the way they concave in before the elbow. Second one I know she is standing at a funny angle but I still love the little rib bone that pokes out here, and of course her hip bones. Sasha has amazing hip bones (and cheek bones!!) I love the bikini too, but let's be honest who really is looking at the bikini in these pics!?

Now this was the first pic I ever saw of Sasha, it is a still from a video made by a photographer and it was love at first sight. LOVE this dress on her, it completely suits her shape. Also of course, hip bones, and her beautiful thin thighs. Pretty much perfection!

These two I both picked for her shoulders and collar bones - just gorgeous. Also those hip bones again in pic one, and that thigh gap in pic two. LOVE.



Okay well that's it for today, THINK THIN X
Disclaimer: Please note I am in no way 'Proana' nor do I encourage or endorse EDs in any way. I am simply here to express myself and to find a way of coping with my own issues, not to encourage anyone else to do that same.