I am SO SICK of my life right now. I honestly feel like I could happily stop existing and it would be preferable to how I am living every day.
It is a really hard thing to try and explain, especially to people who have never experienced it, but I will try anyway. It's like a constant, and I mean CONSTANT, guilty feeling following me around from day to day. I don't remember the last time I actually ate three normal meals in a day, that equaled a normal calorie amount. I actually cannot recall the last time I did this, though I assume it would have been very early some time this year as that is when things got really bad for me. I don't even remember what it is like to wake up and not have my first thought be about what I'm allowed or not allowed to eat today, if I'm eating at all. I don't remember how it feels to just go to lunch with someone and order whatever I like and not worry about it. I don't remember what it feels like to eat chocolate and not feel like I need to punish myself afterwards. I don't remember what it is like to eat a small amount of junk food and not have it lead to an all day binge, after which I actually feel suicidal.
I WISH I didn't live like this. I would give anything to go back to whatever point it was that this all started and reverse it. I would love to be overweight if it meant I was happy and carefree and enjoying my life like a twenty-one year old should be. Instead I'm lying here feeling guilty as all fuck because I binged today, a ruined 48 hours of fasting. I feel like I want to die, because I gave in and ate food and didn't make to to 100 hours like I planned. I hate this, I really do. It really is an endless cycle. Binge, feel horrible about binging, sometimes purge (but not always, because I can't even do THAT right), start fasting. Eventually after a few days, end up binging again. Feel horrible again, fast again. Restrict a few days after a successful fast, then end up ruining it all and binging again. This is every single day of my life, there is no break, no rest from it, just binge or fast or restrict. I'm doomed to fail eventually, and all the little failures just start adding up until it gets to the point I am at now where I am seriously contemplating how much longer I can go on like this.
I have given up everything else in my life, I quit my job, quit uni, basically quit my friends, only have two or three left who I see only occasionally. I would quit my family if I could but living with them makes that hard. I'm considering even quitting the horses, which I never thought I would say. An ideal existence for me right now would be to live alone and starve in peace, with no food in the house and no money to buy food. To just be alone and able to starve to death with no distractions and no people and no FOOD. That's the best life I can think of for myself right now.
I am really stating to wish I had someone to talk to in real life, I have never been closer to actually telling someone. None of my friends or family know how bad it really is for me, they think I just diet during the week and then have junk days sometimes on the weekends, I don't think they realize it goes much deeper then that. So I do sort of want to maybe tell my sister or maybe a friend, but a few things stop me. Firstly I would have no idea how to tell them or how to bring it up, it's hard enough to put it into words on a blog and I have never been good at actual conversations. Secondly I really worry that I won't be taken seriously. I know if I told my mother she would not take it seriously and would think I'm either doing it for attention or that I was exaggerating, or being a hypochondriac. So I will never tell her. I don't know if my sister would react the same way but I worry that she will. I really don't know what to do anymore but I feel like I am drowning, and I don't think I can do this much longer. Something needs to change I am honestly deathly scared that this is what the rest of my life is going to be like - if that's the case then I really would rather just die now because I don't want to live like this forever.
What is the solution? I don't think I can change, even after all that and after everything I just wrote and feel I still really just want to be thin. It's all I want, and at times like this I want it more then ever. If I was thin I think I could handle feeling like this, because at least I won't be fat. Maybe once I get thin I won't feel like this anymore and I will be happy. Please please let that be the case. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep because I'm so guilty over what I've eaten today, or because I'm so worried that this is what my life will be like every single day for my entire future, or because I'm so lonely because I've pushed everyone away.
I'm a bit stuck in between the two things at the moment. On the one hand I really want all this to end and for me to be normal. But on the other hand, the heavier hand, I just want to be thin.
At the moment it seems like I'm weighed down by a lot more then just bowlines, and I somehow doubt I am ever going to explore, dream or discover anything. But I hope one day I can look back and say Thank God I changed it all then, because I sure as hell don't want to get to 40 and be thinking why didn't I just do something about it twenty years ago?
I just wish I could be normal and still be thin. I'm not ready to be fat again.
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