Welcome to Out of Control. This is just my own personal way of keeping things straight in my head.
In a way it's a weight loss blog, but it's also a way for me to express myself in ways I otherwise can't.
Firstly here is a bit about myself...
I am 21 and live in Brisbane, Australia. I am an average, awkward, socially anxious person who has extreme difficulties with pretty much everything.
I only have one strong interest, which is horse riding. I own two horses and compete seriously in eventing and showjumping and hope to one day make it to the Olympics. I have recently started working for a top Dressage rider who is trying to mold me into a dressage rider, not yet sure if that will stick but I'm giving it a go.
Other then the horses I only have one other thing in my life. Food. And weight, and thinking about food and weight. Saying it controls my every waking moment would not be an exaggeration, there is literally not a conscious moment I don't spend thinking about food and/or my weight and body. I have an eating disorder, though exactly what it is I am not completely sure, as I have never seen a psychologist or gotten a real diagnosis. All I know is that I literally never think about anything else, and I spend my days in one of two ways: One, eating next to nothing usually around 3-400 calories made up of three or four specific foods (most days) Or two, binging on anything and everything I can get my hands on (Approx once a fortnight). I sometimes use laxatives after binges, but I don't throw up anymore. I used to at one point, but I stopped.
I don't remember a day I ate normally (3 normal sized meals ending in a normal healthy calorie count) since before March this year, which was my major relapse. I have been like this before in 2011, but then I guess I got over it, I'm not really sure.
My mum went away in March overseas and I'm not sure what happened but one day I just snapped back into it and what followed was the biggest relapse I have ever had. I can't even deny it is an ED anymore like I used to back in 2011. No one knows about it in my real life, I don't want anyone to find out.
At the moment I am 60 kilos, 172 cm, at a BMI around 20, and would like to get down to 50 kilos eventually. I always said I would stop at 65 kilos (I started at 85) but I still am not happy with myself, I look disgusting and feel so uncomfortable.
Anyway. I won't post anymore today, just a few photos. Firstly is my own personal progress photo, secondly is what I will one day become if I can stay on track.

 This is my absolute idol I adore her in every way possible. 

Disclaimer: Please note I am in no way 'Proana' nor do I encourage or endorse EDs in any way. I am simply here to express myself and to find a way of coping with my own issues, not to encourage anyone else to do that same.