Hello again!
I've had a pretty normal few days, yesterday I ended up around 700 cals of exercise and ate 300 cals, leaving me around -400 for the day.
Today was very similar, then tonight I had binge urges *sigh* but thankfully I went for a run instead and that made it pass. I have family functions tomorrow night and Sunday so they are just gonna end up binges by the looks of it, not much I can do about it unfortunately :( But I will compensate with Laxies on Sunday night and then start a fast again after Sunday.
Picked up an extra 250 cals on my run, so that puts me at 800 exercise and 350 food, leaving me at -450 net for the day. Pretty happy with my run, I found my fitness has increased since the last time I ran a little while ago - I am not a big runner, I have major hip problems that make running frequently hard so I never run regularly. I am happy with my times for tonight though, for me it was pretty good definitely my best!

Here's my workout rundown, ended up nearly 4km over 30 mins, with an average pace of 7:59/km or 7.5kph which I'm pretty proud of! Definitely a personal best.

And nooow, took some pics after my run and decided I will post them. I still have a lot to work on but I am slowly seeing some changes recently especially after my fast. I am a very stockily built person genetically which sucks, but it means that even though my BMI is close to being underweight I still have this broad shouldered, solid look. Which SUCKS. But whatever Ugh.

Like I said, a lot to work on but I am slowly getting somewhere. The only problem with doing as much exercise as I generally do is you start to look toned which I hate, but I guess that's better then being outright fat.
Today's thinspo is going to be gym gear / fitspo, because I want to compare to my own gym gear photos and motivate myself. Strictly they are not as thin as then thinspo I usually like but that's not the point tonight, I want to look at attainable goals that are close to where I am :) *Please note I don't know who these people are for these photos*

That's it for today not really in the mood to write too much, will post again after I am back fasting :)

Fast Finished!

Well I've done it, I made it to 115 hours! Yay!
Feeling pretty fricken amazing right now to be honest. I'll do a quick overview of the fast before I move on today. So started at 10 PM Friday 22nd August, Brisbane time, and went to 5 pm Wednesday the 27th. Only thing I allowed was water, Powerade zero and coke zero (though I didn't end up drinking any coke zero). I was pretty strict this time and didn't really break, although there were two 'instances'. The first was on day three near midnight, someone left a really soft delicious cheese and bacon roll on the counter that I wanted to try. Chewed two mouthfuls and then spat out without swallowing any, very minimal if any cals would have come from that. Second was this morning (day 5) someone asked me to try a chocolate for them, so I had a very small bite (had to swallow, in company). Again probably very minimal cals. In terms of how I feel, I'm pretty fine now. All in all it was an easy fast.

Day One: Was a little hungry mentally since the day before was a binge day, I was still in the I want Food mindset. That passed sometime that night. Didn't exercise much that day and finished up at -100 net cals after my Powerade zero.

Day Two: Was super easy, no hunger, the mental hunger had passed by now. I found exercise really easy and honestly didn't even notice I was fasting half the time. Finished up -610 net cals after my Powerade zero.

Day Three:  Another really easy day, exercise was pretty normal and didn't exhaust me too much though I didn't do as much, finished up at -450 cals after my PZero. This was the night I chew/spat two mouthfuls.

Day four: Started off fine, but REALLY felt the drain by the afternoon. Exercise was a real struggle and I almost didn't make it through my job that afternoon, first feeling of actual physical hunger hit me that night and lasted for an hour or two, then passed. Finished up at -600 cals after PZero.

Day five: Feeling great again, hunger has passed, not feeling weak at all though no major exercise today. Don't think I would cope with strenuous exercise though. Ended fast at 5pm and went on to eat 300 cals.

In total I lost 8.8 pounds on the 5 day fast, which I am pretty happy with. I noticed some changes in my body this week, mainly collarbones and sternum showing a little more, definitely a decent reduction in my thighs, arms are a bit slimmer, stomach is definitely flatter and more toned. So I consider it all a big success!

Now the original plan was to eat 500 cals tonight and then fast again for 115 hours, but I have decided this isn't going to be realistic when I'm forced to do 400-600 cals of exercise every day at work. Days 1-3 were fine but I really struggled after that and think it is effecting my performance too much past 3 days. I will try the 115 hour cycle another time when I have time off, for now I am just going to eat 300 cal tonight and then fast 2 or 3 days, then eat another 300 cal. Or I might just go back to heavy restricting under 400 cals for the next few days, haven't decided yet.

I went shopping today and thought I would post a photo, this is probably a week or maybe a week and a half's worth of food for me, if I don't fast and eat every day. Found some great new things to try this time so pretty excited!

So we have here my savior, powerade zero, found some nice rye wraps at 69 cals each, corn thins, my amazing couldn't-live-without healtheries roast chicken flavour popped chips (LOVE LOVE), my light cruskits, and then my two new finds sugar free ovaltine and sugar free jelly. Can't wait to taste them!!

I'm back, aaaand they were great! The sugar free jelly is a HUGE hit I love it, satisfies that sweet craving and only 7 calories per serve! Hell yeah! The sugar free ovaltine is also pretty good, I had one teaspoon with 50 ml of almond milk and it was like a normal (but very small - only a few mouthfuls since I didn't want any more almond milk going in) chocolate milkshake! Only 5 cals in three teaspoons of ovaltine, plus about 10 cals in the almond milk. The corn thins are also pretty great, and at 27 cals each they are a great snack. Also can't speak highly enough of the rye wraps, I had one with plain chicken and it was really tasty, and only 69 calories for a decent sized wrap! People ask how I manage to eat a day's worth of food for 300 cals, well this is how!

The wrap plus the 80 cals from the chicken, plus the above mentioned snacks and also a serve of the healtheries chips pictured at 80 cals and a powerade zero, brings me to a total of 278 cals, for a decent meal, desert, and two separate snack times. Pretty happy with that!

Now on to today's thinspo; in the spirit of, I'm currently rewatching all the seasons of Grey's Anatomy (just got through the episode where Denny died, noooo!) it has majorly triggered me, Meredith and Christina especially with their amazingly thin bodies. So today will be Ellen Pompeo (Meredith's actor).

Firstly I LOVE this dress on her, very cute but chic. First photo legs and arms are just, wow, so thin and perfect. Shoulders are gorgeous too. Second photo what jumps out is those shoulder blades, and beautiful thin arms. Her arms are the arms I would choose to have out of any of my thinspo collection! She has a great back, very delicate and refined.

I love both these shots for her collar bones, and of course those arms make another appearance in the second shot. So beautiful, I can see why she had all the hot doctors (and vets!) falling over themselves for her!


Well that's it for today, hope my info was useful!

Mayli xx

Hello!!
So feeling pretty awesome today! Right now I am 67 hours in to a hopefully 115 hour fast and feeling awesome. I am not hungry at all, I was a little bit mentally hungry and craving food yesterday but that has completely passed today. I entered ketosis today so hopefully it will get that fat moving! *Thighs please!*
I have lost almost 3 kilos since the start of the fast (6.5 pounds) which is definitely part of why I am feeling so amaaaaazing! Plus a little bit of fasting euphoria I'm sure. I am actually planning to try something for the first time this week, a fasting cycle. So basically I will fast for 115 hours, then have a 5 hour period in which I can eat 500 calories, then back to fasting for 115 hours, then another 5 hours to eat 500 calories, and so on.
I would LOVE to keep this up for 4 weeks, but will see how I go I am not sure it is actually a realistic goal (for me) just yet. So basically since I started this fast at 10 pm on Friday Brisbane time, my 115 hours will be up at 5 pm wednesday. Then I have until 10 pm wednesday to eat 500 cals, then the fast starts again at 10 pm and goes for another 115 hours until monday 5-10 pm, when I eat 500 cals again and so on. So should be relatively doable, I think anyway. By the way fasting for me includes only water, powerade zero (10 cals) and coke zero (2 cals). But a maximum of two of the zeros a day, so either one Pzero and one Czero, or two of each.
Still planning on riding throughout, though will try to limit it to one ride a day on the last two days of each fast cycle where possible. Very excited about this it feels like I am finally going to reach my goals!

Today, and yesterday's MFP logs, again really boring but hey it is damn satisfying to look at for me right now!

And now to thinspo for today, for today I decided on 'Tuula'. She is a (gorgeous!) travel and fashion blogger/model.

These are both for (yep you guessed it!) her legs. She has such long beautiful legs I am so envious! Her arms are also perfect in these shots too. Love the sternum and chest in the first one as well.

And this one, just everything. Her lovely long legs again, beautiful thin arms, flat but defined stomach. I love the slight hip bones, slim shoulders, everything!



That's it for today! Next one will be after I finish my fast on Wednesday.
Mayli xx

Haven't had a great few days :( Major binge yesterday, didn't count but many thousands of cals. Luckily I have picked up some kind of flu and spent the whole night vomiting, so no gain from the binge thank God.
I'm now fasting, aiming for 100 hours but will see how I go. Liquids only, so water, powerade zero and coke zero is all I can have. Currently 26 hours in and feeling fine, first day is always the hardest for me so I should be okay from now.

Today's MFP, obviously a bit of a boring one. Spent the whole day in bed not feeling great, luckily it was a rainy day so I didn't have to ride. No exercise, but no food either so considering it a win.
Not feeling like writing too much at the moment, everything is kind of all over the place. I am having a really hard time at the moment just feeling crappy about everything.
I'll move straight on to my thinspo for tonight - Vlada Rosylakova. She needs no introduction I'm sure, she is an amazing model and well known for her small frame.

These two, because of her arms. Ahhhh those arms, they are perfection. That is exactly how I would like my arms to be. She is just so gorgeous, some might say too skinny....nope, for me, just perfect.

And these, for her legs. Wow. She has the longest, slimmest most perfect legs on the plant. I also love her arms again in the first one, and her shoulders. She is a seriously beautiful woman! Jealousy level 9999999 right now.


Anyway, signing off for now. Will be back with an update on my fast in 24 hours :)

Alright day one of my blog. Whew. Well today was pretty uneventful, worked three horses and took the dogs to the dog park, that's it!

Today's MFP log:

















Which broken down is basically my horse riding cals plus a 30 minute walk cals (I was conservative today with my estimates so probably burned off a little more then what I put in) nothing to eat until 6 pm, at 6 pm approx 80 grams of plain chicken breast, washed down with a Powerade Zero (best invention on the planet) then my usual portion of Healtheries air popped potato bites roast chicken flavour (second best invention on the planet) exactly 23 of them.

I did later around 9 pm have a handful of baking choc chips (my fat ass saw them in the back of the cupboard and couldn't resist) after I had already screenshotted, which adds around 80 cals. Feeling pretty shitty about that to be honest but trying not to think about it.

All in all satisfied with today though could have been better, obviously.

My watch broke today which is driving me crazy. I am crazy anal about time, I like to be on time and hate being late, and I also kind of schedule times for everything in my life. Like I will have a time scheduled for when I do little things around the house, what time I wake up, leave, come home, etc it all has to be planned and it really stresses me out when things don't go quite to my time plans, so having my watch broken is REALLY upsetting. Hoping to get it fixed tomorrow but for now just obsessively checking my phone time *sigh*.

Bad mood for no real reason today (well, okay so the watch was probably part of it, plus I forked out basically all my money on feed and agistment today) and felt really impatient and snappy. What else is new! Going to try and chill out tomorrow and be a bit happier.

I've decided on some of my posts I am going to post some pictures and discuss anything that comes to mind about them, kind fo like therapy I guess it just makes me feel better. Anyway, going to start today with a real idol of mine, Alexandra "Sasha" Markina - a Russian model who is the absolute epitome of perfection (to me anyway). I would give absolutely anything in the world to look even half as good as this amazing human being. She is my biggest thinspo ever.

Ugh there are so many pictures I could post of her that are just PERF, but I will try to pick my favourites.

Okay this set first because firstly, THIGH GAP. Helllooooo amazing thigh gap. If my legs were ever to even get close to that I would die happy. Both pics to me just really scream at me for the the thigh gap, I also love the very thin upper arms in the first one and the way they concave in before the elbow. Second one I know she is standing at a funny angle but I still love the little rib bone that pokes out here, and of course her hip bones. Sasha has amazing hip bones (and cheek bones!!) I love the bikini too, but let's be honest who really is looking at the bikini in these pics!?

Now this was the first pic I ever saw of Sasha, it is a still from a video made by a photographer and it was love at first sight. LOVE this dress on her, it completely suits her shape. Also of course, hip bones, and her beautiful thin thighs. Pretty much perfection!

These two I both picked for her shoulders and collar bones - just gorgeous. Also those hip bones again in pic one, and that thigh gap in pic two. LOVE.



Okay well that's it for today, THINK THIN X
Disclaimer: Please note I am in no way 'Proana' nor do I encourage or endorse EDs in any way. I am simply here to express myself and to find a way of coping with my own issues, not to encourage anyone else to do that same. 

Welcome to Out of Control. This is just my own personal way of keeping things straight in my head.
In a way it's a weight loss blog, but it's also a way for me to express myself in ways I otherwise can't.
Firstly here is a bit about myself...
I am 21 and live in Brisbane, Australia. I am an average, awkward, socially anxious person who has extreme difficulties with pretty much everything.
I only have one strong interest, which is horse riding. I own two horses and compete seriously in eventing and showjumping and hope to one day make it to the Olympics. I have recently started working for a top Dressage rider who is trying to mold me into a dressage rider, not yet sure if that will stick but I'm giving it a go.
Other then the horses I only have one other thing in my life. Food. And weight, and thinking about food and weight. Saying it controls my every waking moment would not be an exaggeration, there is literally not a conscious moment I don't spend thinking about food and/or my weight and body. I have an eating disorder, though exactly what it is I am not completely sure, as I have never seen a psychologist or gotten a real diagnosis. All I know is that I literally never think about anything else, and I spend my days in one of two ways: One, eating next to nothing usually around 3-400 calories made up of three or four specific foods (most days) Or two, binging on anything and everything I can get my hands on (Approx once a fortnight). I sometimes use laxatives after binges, but I don't throw up anymore. I used to at one point, but I stopped.
I don't remember a day I ate normally (3 normal sized meals ending in a normal healthy calorie count) since before March this year, which was my major relapse. I have been like this before in 2011, but then I guess I got over it, I'm not really sure.
My mum went away in March overseas and I'm not sure what happened but one day I just snapped back into it and what followed was the biggest relapse I have ever had. I can't even deny it is an ED anymore like I used to back in 2011. No one knows about it in my real life, I don't want anyone to find out.
At the moment I am 60 kilos, 172 cm, at a BMI around 20, and would like to get down to 50 kilos eventually. I always said I would stop at 65 kilos (I started at 85) but I still am not happy with myself, I look disgusting and feel so uncomfortable.
Anyway. I won't post anymore today, just a few photos. Firstly is my own personal progress photo, secondly is what I will one day become if I can stay on track.

 This is my absolute idol I adore her in every way possible. 

Disclaimer: Please note I am in no way 'Proana' nor do I encourage or endorse EDs in any way. I am simply here to express myself and to find a way of coping with my own issues, not to encourage anyone else to do that same.